Victorious again!

I don’t know if I should apologize for my absence or pretend it never happened.  I will strike a middle ground.  I will note that I was absent but not apologize.  Doesn’t work?  Okay, sorry I was gone.

Have you ever suffered from depression?  It is an amazing thing.  When I am not depressed, which is relatively often, the world goes on and I go on and everything works.  Then I get depressed.  And suddenly the smallest things become huge.  Molehills become mountains.  It is not just the way I perceive them.  It is actually more difficult to move my body.  It feels like trying to move through molasses, as if the air has become heavier.  And some days I ache all over.  Even my skin hurts.

And the most amazing thing is that I know underneath that it is only depression.  I know somewhere inside that the mountain is really a molehill.  But I cannot reach between that little place inside and the outer place that is making the decisions and taking action.  Somewhere inside I want to move faster and think faster and be faster and I     just    can’t.   Do I really need to tell you I hate being depressed? 

Sometimes I can do something to prevent it or change it.  Sometimes I am depressed because I did not get enough sleep or am not eating right and if I go to bed on time or eat healthy meals at the right time then I will not be depressed.  And if I am depressed a little food (not chocolate, no matter what my brain says) or some sleep can break the cycle.  Sometimes.

Then there are times when nothing can fix it.  I am helpless, swaddled in blankets that are cold, clammy, and utterly overwhelming.  It doesn’t matter how much I eat or what I eat, how much I sleep or how well, the depression is there.  And because it’s there the food I eat doesn’t taste as much, the sleep doesn’t feel as deep or as refreshing.  I have difficulty thinking of what comes next.  What can I eat, am I supposed to go to bed now?  And so it gets worse.

I want to change the cycle.  I have changed it some.  I’m taking medication that helps and I’m trying to exercise and get outside more.  But still, some days.  And an unfortunate side effect is that I find things like blogging far beyond me.  So I am back.  And I’m going to try not to let myself disappear again.  If I do, please be patient.  I will be back.  And hopefully with more insights in how to defeat the beast.

As for today - I am victorious.  Today I managed to fight it off.  It threatened, with breaths of anxiety and fear, but I won.  I am here.  And I will continue to fight the good fight.

See you again soon.